What I Really Meant To Say
by SaraBeth
Summary: Ever wanted to tell someone something, but just couldn't get the words out? Then you know how Adhara Black is feeling...


It took me by surprise

Author's notes: Well, as usual, I own nothing. Addi is yet another one of Kaydi's characters that I'm using (with permission, of course). Just a bit of background information: Addi is Sirius' twin sister, who is a muggle and was Remus' girlfriend before Sirius got sentenced to Azkaban. For a better understanding, go read _My Name Is Sirius Black _by Kaydi…I recommend it anyway; it's really good…

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What I Really Meant To Say

Cyndi Thomson

Adhara Black walked hurriedly down the busy sidewalk of the small town in Wales. She was there visiting an old friend from school. She glanced at her watch. She had only five minutes to walk two blocks and find the house. She quickened her pace. Adhara, or Addi, as her old friends and family had called her, hated being late. She shivered as the cold wintry air pierced her face. A light snow covered the town. To someone who was cheerful, it might have looked something like a Christmas card, with the dainty little cottages adorned with snow, smoke pouring from their tiny chimneys. But to Addi, the coldness made everything seem even more miserable. She'd been suffering miserably ever since her brother, Sirius, was charged of murder and sent to Azkaban, a wizard prison. Not only had she lost her brother, but she'd also lost two of her other good friends, James and Lily Potter, who had been killed. She split up with her boyfriend of six years, Remus Lupin, and even her very best friend since she was eleven, Sirius' wife Marianna, wouldn't speak to her now. She was very alone; the only living family she had was Sirius. But now she'd found contact with an old friend, who was a muggle like her, and was looking forward to visiting her. Not many people looked forward to seeing Addi those days. Just the name Black was enough to scare anyone away from her, in the wizarding world at least. But Addi wasn't a wizard, like most of her old friends, and even her own twin brother had been. She had no place in the wizard world now, and she didn't want anything to do with it. All it had ever brought her was pain. The wind grew colder, and she walked even faster down the streets, watching families walk by with their little children peering into store windows pointing out the toys they wanted for Christmas. She saw couples walking hand in hand talking quietly. Everyone seemed to be smiling and laughing, bursting with holiday spirit, but Addi seemed very distant from it all. She couldn't remember the last time she'd smiled. And when had she laughed? Actually laughed? It had been a long time. Now tears stung her eyes from the bittersweet memories of her younger days as the cold wind whistled through the trees. Most people were heading back to their cozy homes. It was too cold to be out now, and nearly time for dinner. She must have been nearly there. She repeated the address in her head, 713 Meadow Drive. She glanced up the street, looking for a sign that said Meadow Drive, but there were none in sight. Did she make a wrong turn? She spotted a tiny café up ahead. Maybe she should stop for a bit and have some tea. She was already late, and she was so cold. A sudden shiver rushed through her body, but it wasn't from the freezing air. Someone she saw up ahead looked a lot like…

__

It took me by surprise  
When I saw you standing there  
Close enough to touch  
Breathing the same air

It couldn't be him, it just couldn't be. How could have she run into Remus Lupin after all this time? But there was; no doubt that it was him. A tattered overcoat covered his stick thin frame. He looked pale and worn, and his red-brown hair was matted and tangled, longer than he usually kept it. His bright blue eyes didn't have their usual glow, they instead looked as ice cold as the air outside. He left the café and was heading in her direction. She didn't want him to see her. Just the pain of seeing him again was too great. But he spotted her quickly. His expression softened as they neared one another, and for just an instant in time, Addi thought she saw a glimpse of the old Remus, the one she loved so much. 

"Addi," said Remus in a hoarse, monotone voice as they were passing. He stopped, indicating that he might like to talk.

"Hi Remus," said Addi quietly. She couldn't look into his face. Just the sound of his voice made her heart ache for the days that would never return. 

"So, I never thought I'd see you here," said Remus.

"I'm visiting a friend," Addi answered. "Do you live here?" she asked without thinking.

"Outside of town," replied Remus. Addi couldn't help realizing how strange it felt to be having such a distant conversation with someone who used to mean the world to her.

"So, how have you been?" asked Remus, with a very forced smile.

__

You asked me how I'd been  
I guess that's when  
I smiled and said just fine  
Oh but baby I was lying

"Oh, I'm fine," Addi replied, forcing a smile, and blinking back the tears forming in her eyes. She wasn't fine, and she wanted more than anything to tell him everything that was going on. How sorry she was that she'd ever left him, and how she missed him and thought about him every day. "How have you been?" she asked him instead.

"I'm all right," he replied. "Well, I guess I'd better be going. Nice seeing you again."

"Nice seeing you too," replied Addi.

"Bye," said Remus uncomfortably as he began to walk down the street.

"Bye," replied Addi quietly. "Don't go," she added in a whisper when he was a few yards away. She stood and watched the only man she'd ever loved disappear from her life once again._  
What I really meant to say  
Is I'm dying here inside  
I miss you more each day  
There's not a night  
I haven't cried  
And baby here's the truth  
I'm still in love with you  
That's what I really meant to say_

She stood and watched him go. Once he glanced back at her, but kept on going. Tears poured down her cheeks without her realizing it. The sound of his voice echoed inside her mind. She'd never expected to see him again. And how could have she been so foolish, telling him that she was fine? Why didn't she tell him the truth? She should have told him how much she was hurting inside, how much she longed to be near him again, how much she dreamed about the happy days of their past. But she couldn't let him know how she felt. After all, she'd left him. How could she admit that she'd been wrong, and what were the chances he'd even care anyway? But it hurt her so badly. She felt numb all over. Part of her felt like chasing after him, and falling into his arms. But she couldn't. She had to have pride, she had to have dignity. She couldn't change the past. There was a reason she left Remus, a good reason. But it became harder and harder to remember what that reason was._  
  
And as you walked away  
The echo of my words  
Cut just like a knife  
Cut so deep it hurt  
I held back the tears  
Held on to my pride  
And watched you go  
I wonder if you'll ever know_

She remained standing outside on the sidewalk of the now abandoned street. Remus was long out of sight. The cold didn't even bother her anymore, all she felt was numbness, like she wasn't even there, like this was some kind of crazy dream where the thing you're given a second chance at what you want, and you let it slip away. She had found the one person in the world that she truly cared about, the only one that was left alone just like her, and she'd let him slip away. "I love you Remus." She whispered quietly into the night. She wondered if she'd ever see him again._  
What I really meant to say  
Is I'm really not that strong  
No matter how I try  
I'm still holding on  
And here's the honest truth  
I'm still in love with you  
That's what I really meant to say  
_


End file.
